By Mariette Reineke
Counting days, making sure you do ‘it’ twice around ovulation, opt for doggy style so the sperm can reach the uterus better and laying down after intercourse, and then raising your legs up, to make sure the sperm can do its work.
Welcome to the world of trying to get pregnant. It has a far bigger impact on relationships and intimacy than we want to acknowledge, let alone honestly talk about. Calculated sex, with the only reason to get pregnant is no fun and can have a long-lasting impact on many levels, if not dealt with. Pregnancy becomes a project, and the bedroom a place of office duty.
From the moment ‘project pregnancy’ had been given the green light, a lot changed. Something else took over, as if another fuel were put in the car. It made me ‘drive’ in a different way. A fuel that was telling me I needed a child, that this would fulfil me, and that motherhood would give me a sense of belonging and a sense of purpose in my life. A fuel that was based on pictures, ideals, and needs. My cycle became my best friend. I had never shown any interest in something that is so sacred and carries such wisdom, but gradually I started to use my menstrual cycle to get something out of it, i.e., a result. After many years of taking the pill to avoid pregnancy, and in doing so numbing my cycle and my senses, ovulation became my main focus of the month. It started with counting the days: day 1, day 2… day 12, ah, day 14! “Honey, it’s day 14, it is ovulation time.” And off you go, to the bedroom, or should I say the ‘office,’ to have calculated, result driven sex. As women, we don’t say it in words to our partner, but everything else is saying it: “I want your sperm, so better make sure you perform.”
A couple that tries to get pregnant is a normally accepted couple, and it looks sweet, hunky dory from the outside. Ah, they are trying to start a family. Just put in some effort and all will be fine. It did not happen this month? Just keep on trying because it will! But it is not sweet nor hunky dory. When a woman is in need of a child and is fed by pictures of how life should be, in this case being a mother, as it was in my case, things are not fine. And when she is nearly halfway through her thirties, which means there is no time to waste, and she has emphasis and expectations that she will get pregnant when she wants to – as in within at least a couple of months – things are not that pretty. Trying and putting in effort to get something is a huge stop moment, not only in this case – a pregnancy – but in every part of life.
Trying to get pregnant? It is one of the biggest intimacy killers for a couple and can have a huge impact on their relationship for many years thereafter.
Functional sex is not fun, nor playful, and has zero intimacy. Trying to get pregnant the natural way by having the focus on your partner to ejaculate, so the quickest sperm can have a date with one of your eggs, never felt natural at all. After the task had been done, the thoughts came in. Will I get pregnant this month? Is something going on down under? And then the fantasies kick in, of how it will be, can be, and there you have it: a life of checking out and therefore not being present. During all those intercourse moments, I was never fully there, because of the many thoughts I allowed in that were used as an excuse to avoid true intimacy and a distraction from what was truly needed; being honest about my need.
I never had an issue with getting my period, but from the start of ‘project pregnancy’ my menstruation became the equivalence of disappointment. After the first month of trying, and my menstruation came, there was this slight disappointment. Next month, who knows? We have just started, so it’s all fine. And the counting starts again, even if you tell yourself, you are fine and not focused on it. In the background though, project pregnancy interferes, starts to make louder noises with every menstruation that follows, and before you know it: life is project pregnancy, even if you are doing life.
“Honey, it’s day 14”. The emphasis is no longer on ‘honey’ but on ‘day 14’. You can light a candle in the bedroom to make it seemingly more romantic, but it is not. Trying to get pregnant with effort and expectations leaves a devastating trace, especially when a pregnancy is taking longer than expected or not happening at all.
After around half a year, I knew something was not right. Something I actually knew long before, after some restless cells had been removed from my cervix. The amount of scars as a result of this treatment prevented the chance of sperm entering my uterus to about zero. We went to the hospital for IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) treatments, which only enforces the trying and effort. We live in a world that champions trying and effort. Because without it, nothing happens – right? We do our best, and the rest is taken care of. Even if it impacts our body, relationships, intimacy, and the quality we live in. We get fed to believe that the harder we try and the more effort we put into something, e.g., getting pregnant, finding a partner, exams in school, being the winner with sports games, learning new skills, a new job, whatever it is, we will get ‘it.’ Just push through and go for it.
Not for me. Not anymore.
At some point, somebody woke me up from my desire, trying and effort. “What if, Mariette, you don’t get pregnant? Then what?”
This question made me stop and a deep sadness came up, which had nothing to do with getting pregnant or not, but with the realisation that I was missing the connection with myself. The answer to her question was “no,” that would not be fine. And that word, “no,” exposed everything: the need, the expectation, the trying, the effort and the calculation and the control I was living with. I am forever thankful for her and the many people who followed after that encounter, who reflected to me that when something comes from a need, we need to address that first. There is nothing outside of us that can fulfill what is missing inside.
The sun does not try to rise or set – it simply is. No effort, no trying, no need nor desire. It shines, regardless of what is going on outside. Nothing to miss, as the fire is inside.
✺
Great article Mariette and well worth pondering on why it is we ‘want’, ‘need’ or have children in the first instance. For me, getting pregnant was not hard, but then at the time, I was terrified I ‘would’ get pregnant when I didn’t want to so that also brought another layer of intimacy-killer into the bedroom. A great conversation to initiate and to consider how many ideals we have about being a women and what that ‘should’ look like and to come back first and foremost to the relationship we have with ourselves.