“I wanted everything: being a good mother, having a good relationship, a career, and my free time. It was in hindsight, pretty selfish, all about me, and what I wanted.”
Simone Delorme (Spain)
When Simone Delorme (65) was in her early thirties, she was in a relationship that was not working, and she didn’t think she was going to be a mother. At age 34, she met another man, and this was the first time that she had thought: “If I am going to have a child, it is going to be with this man.” That was an interesting choice, according to Simone, as he was an alcoholic.
“Why would I make a child with somebody who is addicted to alcohol? Apparently, there was something in the relationship that gave me that feeling. He was totally open to having a child. I think I was unconsciously aware that he would not leave me, because there was this co-dependency with him. When you live with an alcoholic, you become dependent on each other. Of course, it was not a healthy relationship, but there was a part of me that genuinely loved him. I also thought he would change, as I believed that once we had a family, he would stop drinking alcohol and live more healthier. I wanted to save him.”
Simone got pregnant and became a mother at age 35. Was she in need of a child?
“No, I would have been equally fine if I had not become a mother. I thought, before I met the father of my son, that I was going to be this woman with a career and as free as a bird.” The first year of motherhood Simone experienced as very difficult. “To be honest, it felt like a shock. I was not prepared for what it meant to be a mother and then all of a sudden, I was a mother. The impact of the responsibility of that, I felt instantly. It was a home birth which went fine, but there was also another side to it. My partner stayed away for hours saying he was going to buy a silk cloth for the baby and came home drunk. You cannot say: Wow, that was romantic.”
It throws your world upside down, Simone shares. “Especially when you consider my background, which was pretty traumatic. My mother was always sick, and the marriage with my father was a disaster. They were always fighting, and no warmth was exchanged between them. My mother died of cancer when I was 12 and my father of a brain tumor when I was 14. I then lived with different families but was thrown out at age 16 and started to live on my own. I was living more in a survival mode because of their early deaths and all that happened. Looking back, I can see that I did not have true role models in my surroundings therefore very few reflections of how it was to be a woman and a mother.
I realise now, as a result of what happened in the early years of my life, I was not geared to become a mother, as in having the foundation and the confidence that one needs to be a beacon for your child. I think many women are not. Of course I loved my son, it was amazing to have him, but the part of becoming a mother and everything that that implies was not easy. I remember several women asking me: “How is it to be a mother? You must be enjoying that very much.” I replied: “Well, actually, yes part of it, and other parts I don’t.” Everybody assumes that you are on a ‘pink cloud.’ It took me a year to accept this new phase in life, and to adjust, not just mentally and emotionally, but also on a physical level.”
Simone shares that the most challenging part of her new role as a mother was the big responsibility and the loss of freedom. She took care of her son and loved him, but the responsibility felt extra hard, because she was the main provider.
I took care of the money, which put a lot of pressure on me. I had my career and a child.
I wanted everything: being a good mother, having a good relationship, a career, and my free time. It was in hindsight, pretty selfish, all about me, and what I wanted.
My relationship was not working. How can you have an intimate relationship with an alcoholic? But he was a committed dad and took great care of our son. He really said yes to being a parent, even more than me in the beginning. But our relationship was not a true relationship.
In the many years that followed, Simone, her partner and their son moved a lot. When her son was around eight years old, the couple got involved with a spiritual organization. They started to live with other people and then moved to Munich for two and a half years, where their son went to an international school.
And then we moved again, so it was not easy for him to adapt to all these changes. Also, at the time I was doing a lot of personal development retreats in America. He was sensing all that movement. Children are very sensitive to truth and untruth and although he could not express it, he could sense that my choices were not always based on truth.” The main reason for Simone to get involved with the spiritual organization was because she was searching for answers to why she was on this earth. She tried many things: Buddhist retreats and Tantra.
I wanted to know why I had to be on earth and why I was living this life. There had to be something more. Due to the death of my parents, I was also looking for a replacement family, a sense of belonging. I wanted to have a social network around me where I felt safe. There were multiple reasons why I ended up with that organization. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I realized later, it was not the truth. All these choices, of course, had an effect, on our family and on our son.
There is often talk about this special bond between mothers and sons. What was Simone’s experience with that?
What is a special bond? That can be interpreted in many ways. Apart from the true mothering bits, looking back, I can also see that I used my son to get the affection that I did not get in my relationship. I wanted to be cherished and needed affection, which I didn’t get from my partner. I realise now that I abused my son by projecting that need onto him.
It was not a conscious thing, and I know that many, many mothers do this: abusing their son for their own needs and to compensate for a lack of affection and intimacy within their relationship or marriage.
It was nothing sexual or anything like that, but sometimes I watched films with him, while cuddling on the couch. Sometimes he would sleep with me in the bed because his father was drinking, and I didn’t want to sleep with his father when he was drinking or smoking. At some point, it was no longer a healthy mother / son relationship. I was not the reflection for him in the sense of setting borders and taking care of my own needs. We as women, often project our needs onto our partner and children.
When her son was 14, Simone met her current husband. She was still living with her partner, who, after several requests from Simone to leave the house, did not want to leave. They were living under one roof, but it was, according to Simone, an arrangement, a game of hope and effort, hope that maybe something would change. He had his life; Simone had hers.
At some point, I couldn’t stay anymore. He knew I had met somebody else, so he said that I had to leave. I took some stuff and left the house and went to live in Amsterdam with my current husband. My son stayed with his father.
She got judged and received a lot of critique from friends and family, telling her she was not a good mother.
How can you leave your son with his father?” they asked. The moment I left, my son aligned to his father. A child always aligns to, let’s say, the weaker parent in a relationship, usually out of loyalty. And it is convenient for the child not to take responsibility and to stay in the blame. It was a very stressful phase. I left, my son went into puberty, I was in a new relationship, and I went into menopause. Not a great combination, as far as I am concerned. My son was angry, and he is still angry, to this day.
After Simone moved out and started living with her new partner, her son would visit almost every weekend.
It was a difficult time. He was so angry, and I felt like a buffer between my new relationship and my son. I could not do anything right. And yes, I made mistakes. I made many mistakes while I thought I was doing the right thing. But right is not the same as true. I felt emotionally weak, and a child does not profit from an emotionally weak mother who does not set borders and standards. I should have said: “Hey listen, I don’t tolerate this behavior”. But I felt guilty, and please put that in capital letters: GUILTY. That is one of the worst things that you can have as a mother. I felt I had to make it up to him. His anger was not only towards me personally; he was just angry. I think it is not only from this life, whether you believe in that or not, but that is what I believe. There was already anger, but it got worse and intensified when I left. The vibes were awful when he stayed over during the weekends. People would say – he is still a child – but that is not true. Children know very well what they are doing. Children play games and they manipulate, just as adults do. He would literally say that I had to pack his bag. My partner would say: “Do you even realize what he is saying to you, and do you know how manipulative that is?” It was an impossible situation.
Simone’s son is now 29, and the anger is still there according to Simone. They have had many honest conversations in the past years, during which Simone shared about her choices, the mistakes she made and how she abused him.
He is holding on to this hurt and to the fact that, according to him, I have not apologized enough for what I did. There is truth in that, but because of my guilt I did not want it to be true and so it took me longer to apologize, because I wanted to look good. With children, and with parents, there is so much entitlement. Just because you are their parent, they think they have the right to do all kind of things to you as well as making demands that they would not demand from somebody who is not their parent. When it is blood family, both children and parents expect certain things and assume they will get these things, as it is their right. Many games are constantly being played.
He knows he cannot play games with me anymore as I am in a different place now. I have been addressing my investment in being a mother and all the pictures I had about what a mother should be like. I had to look at my guilt. I have had many counseling and healing sessions to support me with this process. I am learning to not see him as my son. He makes his own choices and has his own path. I have nothing to do with that. And this is a big one for any mother. There are so many – untold – expectations on a mother, and the pressure from society to fulfil them is big. I have had a lot of grief, and I have cried a lot, which also had to do with my own childhood and that I lost my parents at a young age. I had many thoughts telling me that I was a screw up mother. From my experience, letting go of your child is very hard. I meet many mothers who have not let go of their children, not even when they are in the last phase of their life.
What does it mean to Simone to let go?
I am finding out as I go. When I think of him, and there is an emotion, it shows that I am still hanging on to him. There are also times when I don’t think of him, so it oscillates. Sometimes I have a desire to see him, and with this desire there is a need. How is he doing and what is he doing? I have also asked myself the question: “What if I never saw him again, would I be okay with that? If that were to be his choice, what would that be like for me? I find that very difficult to answer as I am not there yet, but I know that is the ultimate point of letting go. The fact is, I am not his mother. Yes, I gave birth to him and of course I will always be there for him, and I will always love him, but he is an independent being. I have been getting support from women who have made steps before me in truly letting go of their children. I have made steps, and now I don’t think about him every day.
My life is not getting any less amazing because of my son not wanting to see me. Apparently, this is what I needed to learn in this life, and what he needs to go through.
What helps me is to see the bigger picture and accept that whatever happens is not up to me. He knows where to find me.
We get told that once you have children, they are your number one priority. Family first. You die for your child, you will give your kidney to your child, you will drop everything for your child. For Simone this does not feel true. Because everything in life is equally important, and her son is part of the everything.
Truth is important for me, especially in relationships. Where I used to pander and accommodate my son, I now give him truth as much as I can. But that is not what he wants. He wants the comfort and the pleasing, but that is not what I give him. Society tells us that blood family is number one. That is what we have to protect and hold close. I lost my parents when I was young and after that, I did not have a lot to do with my blood family. I have three older sisters, who I love, but I don’t mind that we have nothing in common, except that we came from the same family. There is no false sentiment. There are many things going on for them in their lives and I don’t feel pity for them. Love? Yes, but not because they are my sisters. For me, somebody feels like family when they too search for truth, and in doing so connect to their Soul or their heart, or whatever you want to call it. That, to me, is family, true family. You can be aligned to blood family in that way, and you can also meet people that you have a connection with who feel like family, without it being blood family.
We also get told that when your child leaves the house, as a mother, you can experience empty nest syndrome. We never question if this comes from the child leaving, or whether that empty feeling was already there, way before we got pregnant. Simone shares that for her there is no such thing as an empty nest syndrome.
If it is there when they leave, then the emptiness was already there before they arrived. I don’t feel any emptiness; my life feels fulfilled with many things. But I can still get grabbed by an emotion, as I shared before, and thoughts that tell me that I am not a good mother. These days, I let go of the emotion quicky, I don’t indulge in it. I let go and move on. There is always more to let go of. A new challenge arises, and then you realize there is more. We can say we have let go of our children, but then something happens, and we realize that there is more to let go of. As mothers, we have this picture that we will be close with our children for the rest of our life, and that our child will take care of us, or maybe live close to us, and that we will see him or her at least several times a year.
People live in that picture, which is a bubble of illusion. From the outside, it all seems like a happy family where children are taking care of their parents. And then the parents die, and the matter of money comes up and the fighting starts. We have pictures and assumptions that our relationship with our children will be great, and that we want to leave them an inheritance. But what if your relationship is not great? I know I probably will challenge a lot of people by saying this, but just because somebody is your son, why does he need to inherit your money? It is all based on concepts and beliefs. I hardly know any family that is based on true relationships between parents and children. I know a few, so fortunately, I have a reflection that it is possible.
Looking back, Simone did not feel equipped to be a mother at the time. She has learned a lot over the years and has come to realize you need certain basic requirements in your toolkit before you get pregnant.
As a parent, you need to know yourself and be aware that the child is not yours; you are simply a custodian. You are there to support the child to be the truest version of themselves in this life, and that is a big responsibility.
It means there needs to be a willingness to live your true version. As a mother, we need to have values and set standards that we hold sacred. When a child sees that their mother lives that, and won’t live below those standards, that is the greatest gift you can give your child. I know people who live without any attachment towards their children, who don’t own them. That is a big thing. Most parents live in a way saying: “I know exactly what is good for my child.” But a child comes into this world with a package of things he or she needs to learn, so how do we make sure, as a parent, that we don’t interfere with their evolution? That is a big responsibility.
There are so many untrue reasons that we as women have children. We may want them as a filler for our emptiness, we want to be busy, or to save our relationship. We don’t even question it. We keep the topic protected, because if we don’t, we need to face the truth.
What has been one of the biggest lessons for Simone with regards to motherhood?
Never give your power away, which I did a lot, and don’t pander, which I also did a lot. For me, those two have been survival techniques which I no longer need. I have had a lot of support, but the most important thing is my connection with the divine, or the Universe, and becoming the true version of myself. This is a journey and discovery without an end. This also means wanting to see what is truly going on in the world, and what is taking place within families, in politics, between sons and mothers. Everything. And not putting some pink fluffy layer over it. I am not covering up any longer. Pandering and accommodating somebody has nothing to do with love. True love is not about Valentine’s Day, candlelight dinners or about being nice. If we are not honest and truthful in our relationships, it only creates a mess. Love is universal; it is nothing personal. Love is about truth.
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