By Caroline Reineke
I have never been a mother in this life, which means I have never been pregnant with a baby which I gave birth to and parented. And yet here I was, giving birth to a baby, so to speak, and parenting her at the age of 57. What happened? Some kind of miracle? Well, yes and no.
Nine months ago, I was diagnosed with a tumor in my large intestine which needed medical intervention to remove it. Once that was done, a stoma (an opening in my abdomen) was formed to externalize the digestive system and relieve the rest of the digestive track so it could heal from the surgery.
I was living with a stoma and an external stoma bag for exactly nine months. My small intestines did the ‘hard work,’ whilst the largest part of my intestines remained dormant. When the stoma was repaired through surgery two weeks ago, my intestines needed to be activated again and I realized – and which is how it still feels – that I am being reborn in a large body, at the age of 57. I have been offered the opportunity in this life, at this seemingly ‘old age,’ to consciously apply all my life lessons on a body with pristinely clean and cleared intestines. It feels like a restart; a reset, an opportunity to re-parent myself.
With this awareness, it is a joy to ‘parent’ and to explore as a ‘baby,’ all in one body. A ‘parent-baby’ body.
So how do I nurture this baby? Do I stuff it with junk food, sugar, and coffee? We all know that is the last thing we would give to a baby. But then why do we give that to an adult body, the body we live in? For me, over the past months I have had to relate to many things regarding how to nurture myself. One was food, in the physical sense of the word. I became more and more aware that what you put into your mouth has to go all the way through the body and the residues come out as poo. This was, and is now, with the reset, one area of focus I give attention to, “What goes into the mouth?” Without dogma, effort, or pressure, it is with an absolute deep respect for this body that I say, no to food that does not support. It just makes sense to feed my body with things that nurture it and that my body can handle. That includes how I cook things, the amount I eat, how long I chew it etc. My body gives me feedback right away through my intestines.
Furthermore, because I have a wound with stitches in my belly, as well as in my smaller intestines, I can’t walk quickly or like how I used to walk. All is at a slowed down pace. So, when I went for a walk yesterday, it was like I was having a baby with me. I have to adapt my pace to the baby. This includes delicate and conscious movements, not just out walking but also in the house. The fun part is in the observation of the intestines themselves. It is totally unclear how, when, how much and how speedy my poo is going to get activated and comes out. With that in mind, I decided to put diapers on when I left the hospital, because…well, you never know. And with a baby, it is all about details and some details should not be left out. Like yesterday when going to buy some food. In the middle of the supermarket my body gave clear signs it needed to poo. I had no diapers on. Oops! And as my intestine muscles are not yet doing their job 100%, things can speed up and come up really quickly. But I made it home without you-know-what. Clear lesson: be prepared, always, as every detail counts with a baby.
With this newborn situation, a lot of things just drop away – there is no urge to do them any longer, on all levels. There is more conscious care for how I walk myself, how I get up, pick something from the floor, do errands and lay myself to sleep; all done as if I have a baby with me.
There is more eye for detail and consideration of having a baby with me. There is no rush, casualness, looseness, nor letting go of attention to details. It backfires right away like the ‘no-diapers’ situation in the supermarket.
Lightness and fun are key ingredients of this upbringing. I have a lot of fun which means I am a fun parent, I keep things light, and the baby laughs a lot at the daily occurrences of life and also when things go differently. We just have a laugh together.
Whoever thought that I would be mothering a child at 57 and have so much fun!
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Wow Caroline, great sharing on how important it is to take care of ourselves (as we would a baby) at any stage of our life and whatever our experiences. I loved the lightness with which you shared and how you have approached this, without judgement or trying to get it perfect. I did something the other day where I had a tight skirt on and bent down too quickly to wipe the floor and then heard the sound of stitching breaking. I could straight away feel how I had moved way too abruptly and not with a level of care. How amazing is it that we are given these opportunities to really deepen our care of ourselves!