Turning thirty

The number of pregnancies among women aged thirty and above, in England and Wales, has surpassed the number among women in their twenties, for the first time since records began, according to the Office for National Statistics¹. Women are getting pregnant later than they did in the past—in their thirties—not only in England, but in Europe as well. Turning thirty, a woman can feel like this is the age that ‘things need to start happening’, as in finding a partner, maybe getting married and having a child. We get told that we become less fertile after thirty, and this will most likely put an extra pressure on the already existing pressure that is out there, to become a mother.

Lily Lofts lives just outside of London and recently turned thirty.

When I ask her about turning thirty, she starts to laugh.

I was looking at a picture on Facebook this morning of a couple. They have a baby and a dog and are getting married. A thought came to me: Why is my life not like that? I have never wanted to have children, but this thought came anyway. Interesting to see that these thoughts come even though I am very settled as a thirty-year-old single woman. There is a lot of this pressure from society towards women, which comes with the narrative that they need to be a mum, especially around the age of thirty. I find when women play along with this narrative, they are most likely to get caught in a loop of not feeling good enough or fulfilled in life. I have felt this myself, but it has always been from the narrative from society that I need something from outside to fulfill me, mainly focused on a husband and a child. But it could be anything, like a career.

It is not only society though, but also family.

Yes, I have a sister who has two boys and now my mother wants a granddaughter. “Lily”, she says, “you can have a pink one, a baby girl.

You say you never wanted to have children; do you still feel like that? 

That has changed. I have another ten years, if I still want a child. Last year I was getting caught in thoughts like, ‘my womb is ready.’ I felt that if I were to have a child now, that would be incredible because of the way I live my life. I know that I could support the child with being in this world. The main reason that I never wanted a child before now was because I did not want to be like my mum. I did not want my child to feel how I felt in life. I loved to play with dolls and playing mum and would happily hold babies. I think my mum put me off, and seeing how other people parented, that really put me off. I grew up in London. I saw a lot of misery; never saw happy parents. I saw a lot of abuse, verbal abuse towards children, a lot of jealousy and comparison, which I didn’t know back then. Whenever mum was in a relationship with somebody, she would pass us on a lot to another family member, such as my grandmother or auntie. To me, if you are a mum and you want to spend a lot of time outside the house and do whatever you want to do, that does not feel fair on the children.

It felt like my mother did not know how to love her children. As a child I felt the sense of ‘oh my mum does not want to spend time with me’, which built up a resentment towards her as I grew older. Looking back now as an adult, I see that she did not know how to truly love her children, as there was no love for herself.  She was very aggressive and there was very little care and affection towards us.  She screamed and shouted a lot at us. I remember a long time ago when I was shouting at my younger brother, that I realized that I sounded like my mum, and I said to myself: I do not want to be like that, ever.

There is always a reason why people behave in a certain way. Can you share more about why you feel your mother behaved the way she did?

My mum never had the love and attention from her mother. She also never got the ‘happily ever after’, which she was longing for. My mum was always looking for love. It goes from one generation to another. The role model of her searching for love was projected onto me and my sister, which made us think that this is the role of a woman: to search for a man.

The harsh reality is that parents often don’t realize that how they treat their children is as a result of how they were treated by their parents, and in turn this maybe the way their children will treat their own in the future – if that cycle is not broken. Now that I am a bit older, I feel that I have broken that cycle. I am more aware of my emotions and reactions, and there is more understanding of people and children. I have forgiven my mum for what she has done to me; I do not hold anything against her. She was hurt, because of the lack of love from her mum.

My mother was the oldest of four and she had to grow up witnessing all the destruction her mother was living in. My grandmother was an alcoholic and divorced from my grandfather. She, my grandmother, was very young when she had children and at some stage, she ended up having an affair.  Subsequently, my grandfather left, meaning she was left to look after her four kids under the age of five; so, it was a lot. My mum never got support for her issues and took it out on us. She suppressed them, which has left unhealed scars; this tends to be a common trait in both men and woman. But what do we get out of hating our parents? Instead, we can offer them another reflection; that there is another way to parent – and to live.

A lot has changed for Lily over the past couple of years, in the way she lives. She shares that in her twenties she took a lot of drugs and drank a lot of alcohol, “to numb the hurt I was feeling.” But much has changed, she says.

What has been the biggest change for you?

I have come to realize my worth and have learned to love myself. And with that realization, I realized that now I could truly love another. But there is still not the desire for a child. I know a child will not fulfil my life, that fullness is up to me. If I have a child, great, but if not, that is also fine. I do not have a preference, either way.

Lily sees a lot of women around her, and also men, who feel obligated and pressured to find a partner, buy a home, and have a child.

There is this fear of missing out,” she says. Her grandmother recently asked Lily if she had found herself a man yet. “It would be nice,” she said. “I told her it would be nice indeed, but I don’t want to date just anybody and then settle down. That never worked for me before. I have learned from that. A lot of people get married and then divorce. I feel many of us in our late twenties and thirties, including myself, are still figuring out who we are. You may be able to figure that out while having a partner and a child, but it is easy to get lost in the roles of being a mother and a partner, rather than being who you are as a woman in that role. There is so much more freedom when you don’t have those ties. So many women rush into having children and then wish to do this or that and want their life to be different. So, why rush?

Have you come to know yourself more?

Yes, to a certain level I have, but then the answer is also no, I do not fully know who I am yet. I have done so much work on myself over the past few years.

What kind of work?

I got some counseling and support from professionals to have a look at my attachments with my family. I also learned to let go of the attachment to the hurt. Why am I holding on to it? I stopped drinking and taking drugs and other things I used to numb myself. I realized those things would keep me stagnant in the hurt and would not move me forward. I started doing a very gentle meditation, that focused on the breath, when I was having moments of stress or overwhelm or reacting to feeling hurt. That supported me to come back to my breath and to myself. But there is still more work for me to do and to figure out, including what it is that I want. For instance, where I want to live, what kind of work I want to do?

And there is more healing to do. I have seen a version of me that I love and adore now, and I want to expand on that. When I stopped those things that make me feel rubbish, the longer I stopped doing them, the greater I felt. I see true fulfilment as an ongoing journey; as soon as you hit one milestone, another one is there waiting for you to move into. I’ve found that the more I focus on me and continue to let go of things that don’t bring me true joy, the more space there is to welcome in new and supportive ways of living.

Every relationship I have had, was with men who were addicted to drugs. I do not live like that anymore. I am now more focused on enjoying me and who I am. It would be incredible to have a partner, but I am okay to wait. And it feels freeing to admit that.

So many women, especially my age, are convinced that they have to find someone. But why? To go on holiday with, or to not be alone during Christmas? If so, then we are just using people for our own needs. But that can also be the case with having children. Many women have children from a need, not because they feel they can support a child and can truly look after them.

There are long term consequences and responsibilities in bringing a child into this world.

To be a mother doesn’t mean you need to have your own children, according to Lily. 

I love looking after my nephew (six months old). Every time I see him, we have a great connection. I have come to understand there is a fitness with parenting, not only on a physical level. The fitness is around being able to stay present, stay steady, offer your child another way to approach things in life and be that anchor for them.  But another element to this fitness is to not let your personal issues affect your child, imperfectly I feel to say, as there is no perfection. With that fitness, there needs to be a commitment to work on all of this, not only for the child, but also for yourself.  I find that when I visit my nephew, I am there for him, to play, sing and dance, to feed and to cuddle, to read stories. I can imagine it can be hard and draining as a mother, but then that is something we have to take into account when we get pregnant. Do we know what we are in for? It seems to me that your life is not yours anymore when you become a parent. You are not just looking after you, but also another. Many parents think they need to do it alone, but really, you need a network around you to support you and the child. I find that many mothers have the mindset, that they have to do it alone.

This platform is called Women and Motherhood. What does it mean to be a woman?

(Lily laughing) Oh, I am avoiding this question. What is a woman? My first answer would be: that it is someone who can birth a child. And I haven’t done that. But I know that my worth is not dependent on whether I bring a child into this world or not, but about what I can offer everyone in this world. I care for myself more than I ever have, but there are so many more levels for me to go to. If I do have a child, I want him/her to have a mother who truly cares for herself and puts herself first. Not in a selfish way, but she can only deliver through her to another what she lives for herself. I need to work on that, and when I do, this will open up many opportunities to do my part in this world.

My grandmother was angry, my mum was angry, and I had anger issues growing up, but I have broken this pattern. I know that the cycle of parenting that has run my family chain for generations has broken with me, because I have made a dedicated decision to be the best version of myself and continue to work on what it truly means to be a woman and mother.

What do you mean by “your part in the world”?

It can be anything, including that there is more to life than having children. You can be a mother, but you still have a partner and work. There is everyday life. You are a woman first. Women are so powerful, but we seem to fear our power. Most women have never stepped into that power. We can feel the glory and strength in it, but it is taking that first step which is scary. Society does not want women to be that powerful. We have movements such as #metoo and the rise of feminism, where women are told that they can be just like men, but none of these movements are about women moving and living in their true power. They are instead trying to be like a man, and living like this is very damaging to a woman’s naturally delicate body. There are hardly any role models for powerful, strong, sexy women, who are also delicate and truly loving towards themselves. It is sad that young women do not have those true role models.

 As a mother, you are the first role model for your children.

My mum has always said: “Find yourself a rich man.” But why rely on a man to give me security? I can be rich myself, internally and externally. And yes, it would be incredible to have a partner, and who knows, maybe one day a child, but I am okay if that does not happen. In the meantime, I will enjoy being and living the beautiful and powerful woman I am.

Reference:

1. The Guardian. Life and Style 15^th April 2019 ↩︎

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